Wednesday, June 2, 2010

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies! Go Go Go...to the Grocery Store??


LA DATING RULE:  Add "boyfriend" to your grocery list next time you are heading to the market.

If I have said it once, I'll say it again and again until all the Westside single ladies get the message.  WHOLE FOODS on Lincoln Boulevard in Venice Beach is the place to meet Angeleno guys who are grounded enough to actually enter a grocery store in the first place.

NOTE:  The grounded male is a rare species in this part of the world.  If you are lucky enough to find one, handle with care.  He should be kept away from all things Hollywood if possible.  By inhabiting a domicile near a large body of water, in this case the Pacific Ocean, he is exposed to the more physically-active and, curiously, virtuous breeds of Angeleno men.  Do NOT under any circumstances allow him to socialize on a consistent basis with those male breeds that gravitate to the Sunset Strip in North Hollywood.  Many a grounded male has been lost, never to be seen again in that neighborhood.

Heed my advice ladies, throw on a cute sundress and head over to Whole Foods in Venice Beach as much as possible this summer.  My hairdresser has met her last 3 boyfriends there.  (She has a problem with commitment, which is another post entirely).  I promise the crowd is better than the one you'll meet bar-hopping on Abbot Kinney.  And it is light years ahead of the meat-markets in New York City's meat-packing district- my previous stomping ground.  You may have to contend with the pushy non-profit reps at every entrance and exit as well as the well-dressed homeless fellows who chill at the outdoor tables, but it'll all be worth it after you meet Mr. Adorable.

Just yesterday, I was picking up an early dinner before yoga class and while perusing the ice cream section (I see the irony), a sweet blond surfer type commented on the selection.  He was funny, I laughed, and then he went on his way.  I didn't think anything of it.

Until I arrived at the organic frozen dinner section and the blond surfer reappeared at my side.  With an endearing touch of nerves in his voice, he started "I would have kicked myself if I left without saying something.  You have a great energy about you.  Do you have a boyfriend?"  For the east coasters reading, when spoken by an Angeleno of the opposite sex "you have great energy" translates directly to "I would like to bone you, if you are into it."  As a happily spoken for woman, I replied, "Yes I have a boyfriend, but you made my day.  I'm flattered.  Thank you."

Now, I have to admit that I had my sh*t going on.  I was coming right from an audition so I had on full makeup- including mascara- which I normally skip, a short sundress, and curled hair, which is a far, far cry from how I normally look while perusing the grocery aisles.  Normal attire consists of post-yoga sweaty, unbrushed hair situated on the top of my head in an unruly bun, drenched sports bra and tank, yoga pants, and Rainbow flip-flops.  Guess how many times I've been approached in that outfit...

ZERO.

Moral of the story:  Know the game, love the game, and get your butt to that Whole Foods!  I promise better results than Match.com or any other grocery store in LA or NYC for that matter. 

Feel free to post any success stories in the comments section!


4 comments:

  1. This is how the above would play out in Baltimore, MD:
    Dude: "You have an energy about you"
    Chick: "Whad'you just say muthafucka?"
    Dude: "I just thought you looked nice and so I would say something"
    Chick: "Now you gonna be takin to my fist if you don't back the fuck off, muthafucka"
    Dude: "Sorry, I just thought..."
    Chick: [insert meathook to the fez for having the balls to actually say another word]

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amazing post, and I might add Sunday nights are usually the best. If you live in Manhattan or Hermosa Beach though I'd say go to the Vons on Pier in Hermosa especially during the summer say around 5:00 when they are on their way to a bbq and need a girl to accompany them. Stay away from Trader Joe's mostly women, mothers, fathers and grandparents who shop there. Real men in the South Bay hit the Vons.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wonderful Kristin - You speak the truth sister! Just goes back to the age old saying - never leave your house without make-up! haha. KIDDING. Seriously - who could live like that!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hysterical. I need to check out this mythical Whole Foods! Clearly I've been missing out by going budget with Trader Joes.

    ReplyDelete